I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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