I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
