hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
