Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
