those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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