Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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