I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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