It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
