just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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