good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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