6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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