More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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