We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
