Plan B is the new Plan A
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
