Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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