I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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