apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
