At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
