I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
