I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
