when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
