how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
