Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
