Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
