Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
