you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
