It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
