im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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