is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize