I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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