I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
