I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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