remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
