Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
