Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
