There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
