Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
