Having a random hookup so left but love u
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize