i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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