ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
