I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
