end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
