Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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