I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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