no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
