Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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