You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
