I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
where are my eyebrows?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
