if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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