someone threw a dead crab at me
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
