It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
