it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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