Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize