So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
