New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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