i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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