Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wish my penis had a tongue
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
