I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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