I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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